okayy

Just when I think about someone new
I keep on forgetting to forget about you.

fu.

the only person who can make me smile, made me cry.

you have that stupid affect on me, to want to hate you but just can't. what I've learned from you is something. and that something is to never let someone turn you into nothing. you always hafta love yourself first. Im not saying my feelings are gone, i just got smart and tried to move on. the day you finally decide to love me will be the day I have given up on chasing you.

You better hope you don't regret this.

jeleel

new shoes

Hey baby
You seen a ghost? this ain't yo lady
This is the chick that you held back now
All of the things you've said were crazy
I checked out my list and I feel good about it
I got the new haircut
The one that you said wouldn't look no good
Took that job you said I could not get
Wore that dress you said I'd never fit in

ain't jealous..

don't get jealous, don't get jealous, don't get jealous. im jealous.

I may feel as relaxed as ever, yet others seem to be overly anxious now -- and their anxiety can rub off on me. remembering that, I don't have to adjust my emotions to match someone else's just because I care. It's essential, though, to know what I want instead of trying to please an impossible person or allowing myself to be bullied. im fighting for this boy, on a battle field of love. but im just a face you never notice. and im, just trynna be honest with myself, with you, with the world. and you might think, that im a fool for falling over you. you know that im on your side.

jeleel

dear shooter

i don't fucken care what you think, i know i look good.

"change your fucken tights!" haha funny, coming from a guy who actually has no swag and needs work on their face. HOOOOKAY! I wanted to fucken cut you up and murder you. you're lucky i didn't. i kept my cool. "i didnt know it would hurt you like that." okay pip face, when i say, "shut the fuck up, fuck you!" over 10 times for over an hour.. it means im fucken pissed. thought you were smart, but your dumb as a fucken imigrant. idk what your girl sees in you, you're a motherfucker. tough luck, don't even bother apologizing cos i could hold a grudge on someone for soooo long.

get offffffffffff my fucken dick, like shoot.

jeleel

raw shit pt.2

you said you had a photographic memory, but apparently, you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself and the ones you claim you love. the truth cannot be hidden. what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love you should have known that. claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly. i guess shit happens, i just wish it wasn’t me. and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. i know that’s some easy shit to say, but I’m still going to try and live by it. i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it. i will sleep on dry pillows now. in a bed big enough to love myself in. i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge. i am priceless. and worth nothing but honesty. i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I’m sorry to her, i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved. and I will wait for a man to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me.

HOLLA.

raw shit pt.1

we are not your mothers, you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years yet you come to us, wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time trying to suckle our sense of self dry. we have become much too accustomed to empty beds and damp pillows become much too accustomed to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent and the hands of other women. and we, simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally. simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not play Hester Prin, place scarlet letters on our chests, become adulteresses, cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve, willing to settle for less, willing to act like a little less than a goddess, willing to sleep with the enemy. men too scared to stop acting like boys. thinking we can love away their scars so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we loose by the minute.

he ain't my "world"

im gonna go on in life and lie like im happy, it seems to fool everyone.

I'm trying so hard not to care but you're happy now and it's not fair. and I can deny that this whole thing's not happening. but to hold it inside.. it's killing me. just when I thought that I was getting strong, I see you with her - I was wrong. thinkin we would be lovers, but you don't look at me that way. as much as I hate to admit this, but I think we should just leave each other alone, so I won't see right through your games and shit. but i know, im still going to live by it, each and every fuckin day.

even though you're the world's biggest asshole, im still down.

jeleel

africa

everything seemed unreal between you and me
-
my day was like any other day. unlucky. basketball during lunch was so damn bait. "yo jeleel, post up on him" with a big ass smile. thanks roldan. then right after ta check in, "yo jeleel wait for me" with just a little hint of smile. that made me smile, just a lil bit. then ball practice, i fucken sucked for 2 days now. i needa get myself together or else i won't earn the title of "captain." FDW. then um, finally, cedric wanted me to be in their team for sac bbq tournament. "LOL wanna be in our team?" okay okay, that made me feel nice. but besides that, im positioned, small forward. yay.

jeleel

you're going to regret it, someday

our situation ain't right..
-
get real, who do you think you're trying to play with? i never thought you would be like this. then again, i dont blame you.. at all. you're just being, you. i'd hate to see if you didn't care. i know i know you would you find some lame excuse to never be true. always want to be one of the guys. real talks, im so sick of worrying.. about you. you're being so shallow. you are shallow, im sorry. but it's better to leave you. i can trip and let you go like that. and everything we ever were, its gone and its done. there's nothing we can do to be like the way we are before. so sad that you don't know the good things from the bad. thought you would love me if i was skinnuh, but you know you should love me for my innuh. i geuss shit happens, i just wish it wasn't me.

'guys our age are feeling all nice about themselves, thinking that they can get at player status. WHEN they dont even know how stupid that is ..' - KendraHui

jeleel

now I know

I wish you were invisible. Cos when you're visible, i'm miserable.

my day was fine till I heard from you.. "(...) keeps asking me if you've talked about him recently" that kept my hopes up real high. but then I had to listen to my girl when she said, "don't get your hopes up too high, hes stupid" and it's true. "cos I don't want her to get hurt" like wdf! it's kind of a little too late for that now. "your just a shallow asshole tht wont give one girl a chance" my girl was right. you can't like me, your bestfriend, but you like your other bestfriend cos why? cos she's way hotter right? bullshit. my girl's right. im the girl whose chill with all the guys, who doesnt talk shit about her friends.. but she talks shit about everyone.. just for the fun if it. i was there first. im the original and shes just a duplicate.. you're just too blind to see. i've been chopped and screwed by my bestfriend. oh wait, I can't call him that anymore..

I wish you were gone from here
and not decide to re-appear.
jeleel

mother, mother crew.

Imma be popping that bubbly, cool and living that good life.

I think I accomplished nuff things today. Handed some units in.
Finally took a shot over Roldan, how sad. Now this man's saying
he wasn't playing for real. Haha whatta lie. Thennnn, last ball
try outs. I got asked to play for the seniors.. but I wanted to atleast
be part of the juniors, especially if I be captain. Oh lawwwd. After,
the day was almost done. Best part was when Lester, Roldan, Emma,
and I were having reaaaaal talks. But Lester left, so it was down to the
3 of us. We talked and chilled for 2 hours. And I literally meant, chill.

I have done more than I can say.
jeleel

corny shit

I wanna tell you all these things that I can't.
See, I wanna tell you, but the problem is, you don't care..

I know, its fucked, I hate the fact that we're just friends.
I wanna risk it, but is it worth to lose a best friend?
like c'mon, do I really wanna go through this again?

But the times I was always down, you would always do something stupid to make me smile. do I even cross your mind? is it even worth it spending this much of my time? I just don't know if there will ever be an us.

"yeah, well, I wanna tell you this from the bottom of my heart. That you made me feel like this, even from the start. I should never wait for a chance and I should take my risks cos it's worth a try. There even might be something to this. I might be lucky enough to get some love from you. Yeah, all of these dream of days when you would be my boo. I can't explain the feelings, I geuss it's head over toes 8) haha no, I know it's head over heels. Got me hoping that one day you would know how I really feel. Im hoping all of these moments would one day turn out real."

none

nothing special, honnnnnestly.

just a normal fucken day. it'd actually be cool if a miracle happened and you liked me back. whatever, i ain't that lucky. ha.

first ball practice, it was ok.
then had a six minute serious talk with my bffl, Roldan Bartilet.
haha it was so serious, we were both talking about problems in our lives.

behemoth

wonderland with my girls yesterday: roma, marlene, and kait.
arielle and emma were mia.

the park was closed for some special event. but luckily, we were in that special event. i also got 6 free tickets thats why i took my gyals with me. haha first ride was the fly. it was cooool. the last ride of the day was, mine buster. wood coasters are the bomb.

ass excuses

im goin' crazy. this is not a lie.

anothhhhhhhher worthless day. you still don't know, i think.
even if I explained to you every single thing, i know my explanation
won't feel like a lie in any way, boy.

I wonder what I could do that would have any hope of making a difference to you.

just.... don't act stupid when you do find out.

year

it doesn't take a genius to see what we got. you're just so clueless.

it's been a year that I had a thing for you, (barf). no lies boy. just give me some damn tiny tiny portion of hope so that I could smile. the way you look at the better looking ones, made me not sure I had ability to smile anymore. sucks that I couldn't do anything else but stare.

don't worry boy, I ain't whipped.
i've just waited far too long..

- kid jels

"sweat"

today was burning hot.

he was still the same. has no clue, at all. well, not that I know of.
"can I borrow your shirt to wipe my sweat" oh Lord, I lost my concentration on my
side of the disagreement when he said that. haha even though it was kind of gross
that I had to wear a wet uniform the rest of the day.. it was fine. I just did the
best with what I had never quite being his girl .

people say you should be happy with what you got and not complain about every little thing..

- jeleel

sKOOL

first day of school


Real glad to see my friends, well some. Real great to see him too. He smiled at me.
Tried as hard as I could to resist, I had to smile back. Just a tiny smile, no biggy.

twisted

Yesterday was not a good day. Twisted my ankle twice. And my furball ran away :(

Well forget yesterday, today's gonna be a good day. I hope.
Church with the famo and shoe shopping. Yeah, sounds like fun.
My ankle's still twisted -.- getting nowhere near better.

- jeleel
p.s come home salem.

ay boy

I know your smile like the back of my hand. You probably never knew, I feel this way..

I wanna be the first thing on your mind in the morning. The one who know's it's you when you're calling. The girl who dries your tears when they're fallin. I wanna know you like that.

I wanna be the one you run to when things get crazy. The only girl you call your "baby." The one whose got your back. I wanna know you like that. Don't leave me hear on the edge of my dream.


tried to show you how I feel,
but the words got in the way.

bestfriend

Sweetest thing. Two of my best friends in the world called all the way from Chi-Town. Haha, I wanna see his phone bill next. From the beginning to the end, they've always been here right beside me.

Through the good times and the bad ones, whether I lose or if I win, I know one thing that never changes and they'll always be my best friend. (barf)

- jelz

sooner than later

You forgot to call me on my birthday. You swear im the last thing on your mind. There's nothing you can do to fix it. Somehow I still want you by my side.

We got this love connection, can't explain it. You give me chills up and down my spine. Hoping you could just step your game up. Boy make me yours, let's stop wasting time. So can you do me a favor? Can you pull it together? Make it sooner than later? We won't be here forever. And we'll realize we've waited too long. Let's make this official.

We've been going at this for a while, you're the one for me it's plain to see. You tell me you can't find nobody better. Yet, I just feel like another homie.

jeleel

t-sweezy

No I ain't got a gun, no I never really been in a club. Still live with my parents, but im still a thug. Im so gangster you can find me baking cookies at night. You out clubbing? But I just made caramel delight.

I had a dream last night. I had high top nikes. Diamonds in my mouth and diamonds in my mic. By the time I woke I was singing. Im on a boat, whoah.

- t-swift

mint

Now school's around the corner and summer's almost done. My mind has enough room to feel both emotions intensely at the same time. Only went to 3 jams this summer. Cos im t-t-totally not a party girl. haha. My very own surprise birthday party(check), Kaitlin's pool party (check), and Kang's jam (check). How sad.

But im still a G yo. I'm so gangster you can find me baking cookies at night.

HOLLA.

ain't me

Yesterday told myself that I would do it alone. Don't never let nobody mess up my flow, I'm good wit me. Not sayin love ain't nothin I aint felt before. Now I'm bugging waiting here on your call.

This where your girl start acting crazy. This is what ya hear on the radio.
This is why I'm stressin, creepin, stalking, steady checkin who you talkin' to
I really didn't get it before.

This ain't me, damn you got me going outta control. I can't believe I'm really one of those hoes, no it couldn't be. And no way could I be really catching feelings. It's like I can't imagine being solo, no I'm good with me.

When you look at me, tell me what do you see.
I'll wipe off my make up, take off my pretty clothes, I'll let my hair down. Yeah, I can be natural
Stand here vulnerable, proud as hell, so you know what i'm talking about.
It's time for me to confess, show you what i'm about. There'll be no more fronting baby
cause the real is coming out.

Take you on this little journey, so you know how we get down.

jelz

corazon

Sometimes I just don't get it and I don't know why. My heart's all up in it and it still don't fly.

Sometimes I'm feeling so low when I gotta maintain. Nine out of ten run the same game. But I know I'm not alone, these days are going to be gone.

He acts like my man but he got girls on the side. Pain makes me hide, but the truth don't lie.

life's a game but it's not fair.

Don't wait until it's too late. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

I know it'll burn like poison in my mouth to finally admit I had a thing for him. He pisses me off all the time. I wanted to be angry with him but he was making it hard. It was like he was throwing my own words back at me just scrambled up.
I love someone I shouldn't.

Maybe the planet had a star turning backward. Maybe that would explain how everything was the opposite of what I wish would happen. How could I be hoping for what had once seemed like the very worst thing in the world.

i miss ......, I geuss that should piss me off, but I don't care. Didn't seem to have the energy to keep up even that little hint of hope he'd had before.

I was surprised she didn't break into a touchdown dance. I woulda.

Jel

noob

So I finally got this "blogspot". I swear I had my html skills somewhere inside of me. I just don't know where. But whatever, we'll just deal the way it looks for now.